I hate that. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate me. Why didn't I do the smart thing in the Summer? Why didn't I just pull the trigger? Ended it there? Forget it all in an instant. One explosive instant.
I never get what I want, though. Steven had to show up, and then the old man. Of course, Grey probably would have stopped me from killing myself. It was worth a shot though.
What is Grey aiming to do anyways. And why does he need my body so badly? What's so special about me? I don't feel special, of course, but from what I've heard, Grey could have done alot worse than what he did to me. I could be missing limbs, or skin tissue; he could have rotted out my entire body.
But instead of that, he seemed to like me, in a way. He didn't want anything bad to happen to my body.
I need to find this out. I just can't keep going on without knowing. It just stresses me out.
Well. I should probably talk about my trip today. My trip into my subconscious or whatever. Cut to the chase; I met the personification of my greatest Fear today. The personification I mentioned earlier, actually. I decided that I needed to try meditating another time, and believe it or not, I concentrated enough to somehow go -deeper- into my thoughts. I basically submerged myself into my mind's processes.
I felt...I felt I was sinking like a stone in the sea, actually. My mind was an ocean of dark water flooding what was once magnificent structures of integrity and optimism. The grand cities that populated my mind were now spread out and divided. It was eternally night there.
Soon, my thoughts became -solid-. I was in the water myself, swimming. I searched for something to grab onto...found a canoe. Jumped into, found a paddle, and began rowing towards some unknown predestination. Behind, and under, me, I heard the ticking of an alarm clock, and also the sound of a passing car. I felt the Summer sun on my chest, even though it was cold, and there was obviously no sun.
And then, the sky transformed into a mixture of orange and yellow. Stars blinked in the clouds of color, and the water was now shaded green. I heard the huff and puff of an astronaut, but saw no one.
The water returned to normal after a couple of minutes, and the colors in the sky receded. It turned completely black again.
It changed shortly again. Suddenly, though I was still in the canoe in some way, shape, or form in another time and space, I was also in my old childhood home...209 Constitution Avenue...I'll never forget that address. The house was cold, and still in the middle of almost completely rotting away. I was sitting there, alone, screaming my guts out. I heard a knock on the door, and heard a little girl cry out in pain.
Back in the canoe again. Not in the house. I rowed faster, and eventually saw an island on the horizon.
The island was completely composed of trees. There was almost a certain supernatural glow to the trees, which caused the island to sustain its own light. I don't remember how or when, but I ended up walking through and deeper into the forest, and island.
And then I reached a clearing. At first, it resembled the clearing I encountered in the previous blog entry, but then it started changing. The trees multiplied and grew closer. The grass shortened, and lengthened, as if someone was cutting it time to time. In the middle, the center tree died, rotted away, and in its place, a full stone circle appeared. The markings from Aristotle's Cosmos appeared soon after.
It was the device that marked me and my friends earlier. Curiosity struck me, and caused me to walk onto the circle. Nothing happened, except the overwhelming urge to look back, a bit to my left.
And so I did, and at first saw a field of daisies. As if it was just a curtain, though, it faded away to reveal something behind it; a golden fox, staring at me in the grass. Behind it, there was a heavy accumulation of trees, and behind those, there was what appeared to be a house.
I stared into the fox's eyes, and felt dazed, which led to me feeling quite faint. I tumbled over, into the grass, and felt golden light pass over me.
I awoke deeper in the forest. A low fog covered the ground. Standing above me, Death, whom I had glimpsed in the previous blog entry. His robe, this time however, was created from shadow, and his bones were dirtier and grayer. He also had a scythe...a rusty, bloody scythe, ready to tear into my body.
This thing did not scare me. How could it ever? Sowing Season prevents it external Fear reactions...it could probably block internal ones too. I was infallible in this regard, I thought.
I was wrong. Dead wrong. Fear was still there. Sowing Season prevented most of it, but deep down, I was, still am, and always will be, afraid.
But not of Death. That wasn't what inspired the Fear within me. I am entirely afraid to die.
Death picked up on this, it seemed. He was ready to cut me down with his scythe, but changed his mind before swinging. He looked at me strangely...and looked to the side. I followed his gaze, and saw my family.
I saw, in the corner of my eye, his dirty grin widen. He had found my weakness, my biggest fear.
Before Sowing Season, I was afraid of a shitload of things. I was afraid of dying alone, I was afraid of the future, I was afraid of rejection, whatever.
I was absolutely terrified, of my loved ones getting hurt.
With this, he knew how to get to me. I tried to stop him, but he was too fast. He cut down the hallucinatory family, and I broke down. I collapsed to the ground, and I was ready to finally let him in. I was ready to accept him.
Golden light shone back over me, and I awoke to find the golden fox staring at me. I was back in the small clearing, on the cold rock. It licked me, and I suddenly remembered an old childhood memory of mine....
Finding a daisy in the middle of a hill near the post office in Portsmouth. I was just struck by how beautiful it looked, and how hopeful I felt about the upcoming Spring. I was happy, if I recall.
Daisy. I always liked that name.
And I connected the dots, and I knew; the fox's name was Daisy. She had always been there for me. She has just been waiting around for me to notice her, is all. She's ready to destroy the monster that had corrupted her living space. She was ready to eliminate Grey.
With that, Daisy licked me again, and I felt thousands of times stronger, and happier. I was going to ask her...well, I don't remember what I was going to ask her! But I was going to ask her something, before the scene erased itself, landing me back in my bed; meditation was over, apparently.
I had spent almost an hour in that state. Amazing.
I feel like shit now, after switching over. I want to go back and talk to Daisy. I want to get to know her.
Maybe I'll see her in my dreams tonight.
As always, I'll keep you updated on whatever....night.
oh no wait. Before I go, I noticed a pattern between the dreamworld and a couple of things. Kind of funny, but...
Astronaut, green water, red/orange sky; "sinking like a stone in the sea"....
Little girl, white house (though it is a white house, so that doesn't really count. It even kinda sorta looks like the house in this picture. I'll upload a picture soon and show you guys, I guess), screaming,....
Golden fox, forest, "Daisy", house in the background....
The reasoning is obvious; I listen to Brand New so much, it's shaped my subconscious mind...I guess?
I have no fucking clue.